The Magical TwentySix
by Poeshoo
Summary: A collection of twenty-six humorous Harry Potter one-shots. Not for the serious!
1. Angry Albus

Albus Dumbledore was not the type to get angry

Albus Dumbledore was not the type to get angry. In times of peril he maintained the coolest composure. When everyone around was running about like chickens with their heads cut off, Albus would gently try to calm everyone down. He was the voice of reason to many. He was loved and respected.

However, one event just so happened to get under his skin. That thing just so happened to be Ronald Weasley. That boy had to be as dumb as a brick… or dumber.

Now, why would Dumbledore focus all this anger and rage on a sixteen-year-old boy?

--

It all started on a Saturday. Albus was merrily riding on his ultra-super-spiffy broom over the Quidditch pitch. All was well.

Ronald Weasley also happened to be flying about that day. Unfortunately for Dumbledore, Ron sucked at flying.

"AHHHH! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! LOOK OUT, DUMBLEDORE!" Harry Potter screamed from the stands. Harry had been "supporting" Ron's flying efforts. Everyone other than Ron knew that Harry was actually laughing at Ron's inability to fly in a straight line. However, during his folly, Harry did not know that Ron's shitty flying skills could endanger the life of his favorite Headmaster. "RON! DON'T KILL DUMBLEDORE! HE'S THE ONLY HEADMASTER WE HAVE!!"

Now, I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, "Well, there's Harry and Ron, so where's Hermione?"

Okay, so maybe you weren't thinking that. But just so you know, Hermione was currently engrossed in the biggest non-fiction book the world had ever seen. It was a book about house-elves and it just so happened to be fifty-three million, two hundred and fourteen thousand and three pages. She happened to be reading this on that day, so she wasn't paying any attention to Harry's mindless screaming. She just assumed he was filled with teenage angst again.

"ALJFLKD!" screamed Dumbledore, who, at the sight of a broom-riding, swerving Ron, peed himself.

Ron unfortunately had not heard any of this yelling or seen any of this peeing because he was thinking about Hermione. Why? Ronald loved her with all of his body and soul. Why? Because Ron heard she wore a My Little Pony bra. Ron did love those ponies.

But anyway, I digress. Ron had not heard Harry's fervent warnings, leading Ron into running face-first into Albus. A giant mushroom cloud appeared at the sight of the collision.

"Damn," said Harry, flinching. "That had to hurt!"

--

And it had hurt. It had hurt a lot. The effects of the accident had scarred Dumbledore for life. Poppy Pomfrey had tried everything she could to save it, but it was impossible. Albus would never forget the mourning faces that had appeared by his bedside.

Albus Dumbledore's precious beard had been lost.

Albus ran his hands over his head in grief and anguish and…ANGER.

He would get Weasley back for what he had done. He would, or his name wasn't ALBUS DUMBLEDORE.

And his name was Albus Dumbledore, so you know he was telling the truth.

Five days later Ron Weasley vanished, never to be seen or heard from again.

Harry Potter still swears to this day that Draco Malfoy did it.

Hermione Granger is writing a novel about the incident.

Albus Dumbledore, however, knows exactly what happened. Will he ever tell his secret?

No, but he will say that his pet pterodactyl had a nice lunch the day Ronald Weasley disappeared.


	2. Baby Boom

Draco Malfoy was lonely

Draco Malfoy was lonely. Sure, he had a giant mob of fangirls ready to wait on him hand and foot, but that was superficial. Draco needed someone to love him unconditionally. He needed a baby. Draco knew male pregnancy was not for him. Draco needed someone to carry his child for him… But he didn't know who.

There was Pansy, but she was dog-ugly. Draco did not want his precious child to inherit that insanely ugly pug-like nose that Pansy had plastered in the middle of her face. Besides, Pansy would be a crap Mum. Why? Well, it just so happened that Pansy was addicted to crack and Firewhiskey. He would not have his baby be a crack kid.

There was Millicent, a Slytherin. However, Millicent was what some people would call "morbidly obese." Yes, Draco knew she was more than fat though. She happened to be disgusting, too.

There was Ginny Weasley. She was pretty cute, but Draco knew that another Weasley didn't need to be brought into the world. He knew there were already enough to rule an entire country, so Ginny was out.

Then, Draco had an epiphany. That epiphany came in the form of Hermione Granger. Sure, she was a mudblood, but don't let Voldemort try to tell you he hasn't knocked up one or two of them in his time. She was mildly attractive; the only really bad things about her appearance were her bushy hair and buck teeth. Draco hoped his divine looks would overpower those flaws. Hermione was also very smart.

After thinking over all of these things, Draco knew he had to get Hermione to carry his baby… but how?

Draco tried chocolates. Hermione refused his request. Next, he tried expensive jewels. That too, was shot down by Granger. Draco begged, Draco pleaded, and Draco cried, but Hermione would not budge on her decision.

When Draco resorted to death threats, Hermione had had enough. "NO, DRACO! FOR THE LAST TIME, I WILL NOT CARRY YOUR DEMON SPAWN!"

"But, WHY!?" whined Draco. They were standing by the Black Lake; Draco currently had a gun pointed at Hermione.

"Because… because I'm in love with… erm…" She looked around quickly, searching for anyone with male genetalia within reach. "…WITH RON!" She grabbed Ron Weasley, who had just been walking by at that very moment. She kissed him full on the mouth. "And put that gun away!"

Draco complied as Ron fainted from the shock of the kiss. Ron then proceeded to fall into the lake. Luckily, Ron didn't swallow much water before he gained consciousness, so he didn't drown.

"RON! YOU COULD HAVE DIED!" Hermione shouted.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!" Ron countered. "If you didn't love me so much this wouldn't have happened."

"UGH!" said Hermione in an almost disgusted voice. She marched toward the castle.

"Are you jealous, Malfoy?" Ron asked. He was wearing a look of gloat on his freckled-face.

"Weasley, she doesn't like you! She only kissed you so she could get away from me! Wait…I'm not even presenting a logical argument." Draco paused for a moment. Ron said nothing. "Weasley, are you even listening to me? Ew… you're not looking so well…"

Ron had passed out onto the grass, the color of which his skin matched. Draco looked at him oddly while Ron made a scary-sounding gurgling noise. Suddenly, Ron's stomach began to… well… squiggle. Draco looked at it until Ron's stomach randomly exploded with a deep, quiet "boom" and out popped an adorably purple baby squid. It looked at Draco with loving eyes.

Draco removed the squid from Ron's innards and cradled it gently. One would almost say the baby squid cooed in Draco's arms.

Who cares if Weasley had to die for Draco's bliss?

Draco and his new baby squid, Shakisha, walked off towards the castle as the sun set to the West.


	3. Cat Catastrophe

Crookshanks liked Hermione

Crookshanks liked Hermione. She fed him. She petted him. She loved him. Crookshanks did not like anyone else.

Crookshanks tended to attack everything within reach. He especially enjoyed attacking Neville Longbottom's trousers. This may have been okay, if Neville hadn't always been wearing the trousers. You could always tell when Neville (or Neville's trousers) had a run in with Crookshanks by noticing whether or not Neville's leg was leaving a trail of blood behind in the hallway.

Crookshanks hated Harry Potter.

"Crookshanks hates me," Harry informed Hermione with a sigh.

"Where do you get that from?" asked Hermione in utter disbelief.

"He craps on my pillow everyday when I'm out of the dormitories," Harry explained.

"Come now, Harry, that's not true!" denied Hermione.

However, it was true. Crookshanks happened to find it all very funny, thank you very much.

The only person Crookshanks hated more than Harry Potter was his dimwitted best friend Ronald Weasley. Shoot, Crookshanks hated Ron more than he hated Neville's trousers. Why did Crookshanks hate Ron so much? Crookshanks hated Ron because Ron's hair color was red and Crookshanks hated red. Okay, that's not a real reason, but it should be. Crookshanks hated Ron because Ron accused Crookshanks of eating his "pet rat" Scabbers. Poppycock! That was totally a lie. Crookshanks did not go for scrawny rats, he preferred Cornish Hen. Besides, Crookshanks knew that "Scabbers" was actually a man, unlike his master, Hermione, or her two idiot friends. There was another reason that Crookshanks hated Ron Weasley. I don't want to talk about it for I don't want to have to tell you about Ron's cruelty to animals, but oh well here I go:

Ron would belch. Crookshanks hated belching. Ron would talk with food in his mouth. Crookshanks hated people who talked with food in their mouths.

Okay, none of these are really bad, but the last one is.

Ron would sit or step on Crookshanks when he knew perfectly well that Crookshanks was there.

When Ron sat on Crookshanks he would make it look as if it were an accident. Ron would sit on him, Crookshanks would mew and then Ron would tell Hermione that he "didn't mean to." Ron would also step purposely on Crookshanks in the mornings and then Ron would explain to Hermione that he "was tired and had his eyes closed." Hermione always believed Ron.

However, Crookshanks knew Ron just wanted Hermione all for himself. Crookshanks knew and put up with this abuse until one day, while dancing around, Ron stomped on Crookshanks' head three times. Ron had apologized to Hermione who, like always, believed and forgave him.

It was then Crookshanks knew what he had to do.

That night, Crookshanks rounded up all the other cats that belonged to members of the Gryffindor house and told them the master plan. All of them agreed except for Mr. Snufflekins, who was twenty-four years old and deaf.

The next morning before dawn, Ron awoke by choking on a piece of cat shit. He ran to the bathroom to throw up, but in the process he slipped in a puddle of strategically pissed cat piss and fell down. But the time he stood up again, three cats were attached to his clothing and showing no signs of letting go.

Ron, attempting to scream for help when he spotted Crookshanks walking towards him, was knocked down by Crookshanks, who proceeded to bite Ron on the nose as all the other cats began to move stealthily toward the Weasley.

--

As the sun rose, the boys found Ron dead on the floor with scratch and bite wounds all over his body. They all hated Crookshanks, so they blamed him for Ron's death.

Crookshanks tried to tell Hermione it was an accident just like Ron always had, but since she didn't speak Cat she didn't believe him. She shunned Crookshanks until everyone had forgotten about Ron, which was about twenty-five minutes later. Then, Hermione and Crookshanks were best friends again.

All was well.


	4. Drag Dudley

Harry had noticed that his Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were especially quiet when they picked him up at platform nine and three-quarters

Harry had noticed that his Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were especially quiet when they picked him up at platform nine and three-quarters. Usually, Vernon was purple-faced and screaming at Harry within the first five minutes of the car ride or Petunia was accusing him of being a freak. But when neither one of them spoke, Harry knew something was wrong.

Harry, Vernon, and Petunia walked to the stoop of Number Four Privet Drive. Harry could not help but notice Vernon's hesitation when it came to opening the door. Harry was getting even more curious to what the problem could be.

After the slow door unlocking, the three of them stepped into the house. Everything looked normal. It looked like it usually did, overly neat. The impressions from Vernon and Dudley's fat lard arses were still in the chairs. It was thinking about Dudley that made Harry ask:

"Hey, where's Dudley?"

Aunt Petunia's blonde head shook as she began to cry.

"SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE BOY!?" roared Vernon. Ahh… there was the uncle that Harry knew and loathed.

"What have I—" started Harry, but he was cut off by Vernon.

"DUDLEY, YOU HAVE BROKEN YOUR MOTHER'S HEART!"

It was at that moment that Harry Potter turned slowly around and came face-to-face with his cousin. And at precisely that moment, Harry realized what was wrong. "Dudley, is that mascara?"

"What yes! Its color is midnight black! They were having a sale at Wal-Mart!"

Harry Potter's cousin was dressed in drag. It took Harry a while to comprehend what the fat boy was wearing. Dudley was garbed in a floral-print skirt and a pink cardigan. Black patent-leather shoes adorned his chubby feet.

"You look…" Harry struggled to find the right word, "…nice."

"Why, thank you!" Dudley replied gleefully.

At that moment Harry seriously thought about suicide.

"Don't worry boy, we've thought the same thing," Vernon said to Harry.

"Yes," said Petunia. Harry detected a bit of love in her voice, causing him to feel definitely faint. "We always thought that you and your mother were the freaks of the family, but we have been proved wrong."

With this, Dudley began his all-familiar wail. "We homosexual cross-dressers are not freaks!" he sobbed. "You don't understand!" He ran off to his room.

After the minor earthquake was over, Vernon offered Harry some toast. Harry accepted his offer.

Sitting at the kitchen table, Petunia and Vernon stared at Harry. They knew what they had to do. "Erm… Harry?" asked Petunia.

"Yes?" Harry asked between bites.

"We need to ask a favor…" said Vernon.

"You can use magic right?" asked Petunia.

"Well, I am a wizard…"

"GOOD!" Petunia and Vernon shouted. "We want you to kill Dudley."

"What!?"

"Just do it."

For some reason, Harry agreed.

Harry Potter walked slowly to Dudley's room, opening the door quietly he stepped inside without making a sound. Pointing his wand to the back of Dudley's head Harry screamed, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

--

"Jesus, Harry!" shouted Dean. "You almost killed Seamus and me."

"Yes," agreed Seamus, "you absolutely did just about take our lives right there. Fortunately for us, we dodged it and it hit Ron instead."

"So Ron's dead?" asked Harry.

"Yes," Dean and Seamus replied.

"Oh well, there are plenty of other people who are willing to be my sidekick."

"Righto!" Dean replied.

And with that the three boys went back to sleep, ignoring a very dead Ron on the floor.


	5. Evil Expectations

As you all know, my master, Lord Voldemort, is a very evil man

As you all know, my master, Lord Voldemort, is a very evil man. He eats nails for breakfast. He tears the stuffing out of stuffed unicorns. He wouldn't let go of my Eggo. He would Crucio fluffy puppies. He put those motherfing snakes on that motherfing plane. He sold dogs to Michael Vicks. He would ding-dong-ditch McGonagall while he was at Hogwarts. Yes, he is very evil.

One day, Voldemort asked a favor of Lucius Malfoy. "My evil servant," Voldemort had said, "I need you to do me an evil favor and go evilly kill not-so-evil Snape in the middle of the evil night. Make no evil stops along the way."

"Yes, my evil master!" Lucius complied. I stood in the corner, tears in my eyes. I had wanted to kill Severus.

"But, master!" I protested. "I wanted to be the one to kill Snape!"

"Be quiet," my master had snapped. "You couldn't evil kill that red-headed kid."

"You ordered me not to."

"That's beside the point! If you were truly evil, you would have murdered him anyway. Besides, I have focused all my evil expectations of evil on the evil Lucius Malfoy. Now, I have some blind kids I need to kick down the stairs." And with that, he flounced out of the room. How my master enjoyed being evil.

It was then that I decided to keep up with my evil potential. I would spy on Lucius Malfoy. Oh yes, it was a great plan! I changed into my animagus form. I then scurried to Lucius' minivan. This was going to be a great trip.

I was correct in my assumptions that Lucius would make some unnecessary stops, for that is the way he is. On the way to the castle, he decided to stop at a muggle burger establishment by the name of "McDonalds." He ordered a double cheeseburger with no pickles.

When he finally got his food, Lucius sat down and took a large bite. He got an extremely displeased look on his face and said, "WTF!? THIS HAS PICKLES ON IT!"

The girl running the cashier looked at him without care or interest out of lazy-lidded eyes. I chuckled to myself. For one, I was not the one causing the scene.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Lucius screamed. He then ran out of the fast food restaurant. As I followed my path was obstructed by a sharply-dressed man.

"Hello!" the man said cheerfully. "I'm Mr. Cleanse, your local health inspector." He looked down at me. "OH MY GOD, IT'S A RAT!"

I ran out of the door as fast as I could. Luckily, I managed to jump into the minivan before Lucius took off.

We finally arrived at Hogwarts. I hid in Lucius' robes as he went inside to kill Snape. This was going to be exciting. I hated Snape. Why? I really actually don't know. I think James Potter told me to hate him, but oh well.

"Snape," Lucius said. "I am here to murder you."

"Please don't!" Snape begged.

"Okay," replied Lucius.

Then Lucius and Snape (and me in Lucius' robes) went down to the Great Hall to get some frozen yogurt.

After they were done eating, we left. As we were pulling out of the parking lot (yes, Hogwarts has one) Lucius ran over a bump. He got out of the van in order to look at what the bump was. "Dammit," he said. "I ran over that Ron Weasley kid. Oh well, there's so many of those running around that Arthur and Molly won't notice."

When we got back to Voldemort's secret hideout, I went back to my normal form and told my master about all of the events of that day.

"Well, Lucius, you did not follow my directions. But you did however kill a muggle and a Weasley so that's worth about two thousand points and then you got a free frozen yogurt out of it so that's worth another two hundred and fifty. So, all in all, you had a good day." He turned to me. "You on the other hand, Pettigrew, have spied on a fellow Death Eater. That can be punished by evil."

And he did punish me too.

What's my punishment? Well let's just say it's dark and smelly inside Mrs. Norris' stomach.


	6. Fairytale Fred

Fred felt funny

Fred felt funny.

One could counter with, "Fred's always funny."

True, but this wasn't that kind of funny.

He felt all tingly and such.

No, it wasn't love.

No, he wasn't going to barf.

He was simply testing a treat called "Fairytale Fudge," which would make the consumer feel as if they were a fictional character from a children's book.

"How do you feel?" asked George.

"Like stealing from the rich and giving to the poor!"

"Oh, then you must be Robin—"

Fred bounded out the door.

"—Hood," George finished. He sighed, who knew what kind of mess Fred would get into. "Why does this always happen to me?"

George went into the back room, where Professor Trelawney was waiting for him.

"Hello, my dear," George cooed. "I have been waiting for this all week."

"Yes," she replied, "My want is great."

"Hello, I am Ryan Seacrest and this is American Idol," said the television.

"I LOVE THIS SHOW!" screamed George and Trelawney.

"I know who'll win!" said Trelawney.

"SHUT YOUR FACE! Don't ruin it again!" George snapped.

"Gee, sorry…" replied Trelawney.

"Besides, you were wrong last time."

"Then how did I ruin it?"

"SHUT UP!"

--

Out in the streets, RobinHood!Fred spotted Hermione. Hermione had consumed five too many Firewhiskeys. "Hello, fair maiden. How would you like to take a ride on my noble steed?" Fred asked.

"Is the supposed to be perverted?" questioned Hermione. She hiccupped loudly.

"…"

"If so, then YES!" she tackled Fred.

--

"Fred, don't leeeeave," Hermione whined before barfing.

"Yes, mother, I'll take the cow to the market and trade it for some magic beans."

"What…?"

JackandtheBeanstalk!Fred swooped Hermione up off the ground and ran down the street yelling, "COW FOR SALE!"

It was at that moment that Fred spotted Neville Longbottom, who just so happened to be eating fried beans on a stick. "I'll trade you!" Fred screamed emphatically. He shoved the drunken Hermione on Neville and snatched the beans.

"I need to plant these, GIVE ME YOUR SHOE!" Fred shouted, snatching the shoe off of the next person who walked by him.

This person happened to be Harry Potter. And since Harry Potter is a wimp, he shrieked like a girl.

This sudden shriek scared the crap out of Fred, who quickly threw the beans on a stick. Unfortunately for the next person who was walking by, it speared them in the throat and the fell to the ground.

That person was Ron Weasley.

"Hey, Fred," said Harry. "I'm pretty sure you just killed your little brother."

"That is my brother," replied Fred.

"Oh, well," Harry and Fred said in unison.

"You want to get some candy?" asked Fred.

"Sure," said Harry.

"You know, Gretel, you're pretty cool."

"Gretel?"

"Yes. You are the Gretel to my Hansel. That's why we are going to eat candy. Why do you look so shocked?"

"I'm trying to figure out how you figured out my real first name."

"Don't worry about it." Hansel!Fred took Gretel!Harry's hand in his.

And they lived happily ever after.


	7. Gally a Gryffindor

Snape wanted to gally a Gryffindor

Snape wanted to gally a Gryffindor. This was not uncommon of Severus, seeing as how he made Neville Longbottom shit his pants on a regular basis. Snape accomplished this by punching Longbottom in the armpit. Okay, that's not how he did it. Snape only had to look at the boy.

But anyway, Snape wanted to scare one certain Gryffindor. He wanted to scare Harry James Potter, the boy who lived. Snape could not get used to the boy prancing around bragging. Why he remembered just yesterday…

"_Snape."_

"…"

"_Snape!"_

"…"

"_SNAPE!"_

"_Can't you see I'm ignoring you, Potter?"_

"_Snape, guess what!?"_

"_What is it now, Potter?"_

"_I'm the boy who lived and you aren't! Take that!"_

Oh, it made Severus sick to his stomach. Oh so sick.

All this barf-like sickness to Snape's stomach made him realize that he needed to make a plan.

So he made several, just in case that he failed on the first try.

That was highly unlikely, seeing as how Severus was a Class-A genius.

And so it began.

_**Day One**_

Snape dressed up as a dementor. Harry potter punched him in his abnormally large nose.

_**Day Two**_

Snape dressed up as Harry's father. Harry peed himself with glee and hugged Snape tightly. Snape's robes, unfortunately, were not love proof, so they caught on fire.

_**Day Three**_

Snape dressed up as Neville Longbottom's grandmother. Harry Potter laughed and Colin Creevey took pictures.

Well… Snape thought she was scary…

_**Day Four**_

Snape hid himself in a box in the Gryffindor tower. He waited patiently for Harry Potter to open the box. Unfortunately, Hermione Granger opened it. She hit Snape with her book, which was of course, very large, just like her hair.

_**Days Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Etc.**_

MISSION: FAILED.

_**Day One Hundred and Seventy-Three**_

"I give up!" Snape told Harry Potter. "I've been trying for weeks to scare you senseless. But it's just not working." Severus began to sob.

Harry Potter laughed in his cocky condescending way. Wait, no, my mistake, that was Draco Malfoy. Scratch that.

Harry Potter laughed as if he were the boy who lived.

"Who do you think you are," Snape asked, "the boy who lived?"

Harry thought for a moment. "Why yes! I am!" Harry laughed at Snape some more. "You couldn't scare me! Not ever!"

"I know I could!" Snape protested.

"Prove it," challenged Harry. "Scare the shit out of me! I guarantee you will fail."

Snape thought for a moment. "Voldemort's behind you!"

"EEEEK!" shrieked Ron, who keeled over and died.

"Great," sighed Harry in an emo-like manner. "Now I'm going to have to buy a new sidekick. HA! You couldn't scare me!"

"Don't you care that I killed Ron?"

"No, those Weasleys only cost three Knuts apiece."

"Well, they certainly are in abundance," Snape agreed.

"That's beside the point! Scare me, you fool!"

Snape thought for a moment. He then had an epiphany. He looked at Harry, smirked and said, "Dumbledore is gay."

"WTF!?" screamed Harry. He shit his pants and ran around screaming for a moment. Snape smirked. "Ohh! That's why my butt hole hurt!"

Snape was victorious.

Severus and Harry walked out of the hallway, neither of them thought about Ron.

Neither did the rest of the school.

Not even Hermione.

…Or Professor Trelawney.

_**Two Thousand, Two Hundred, and Fifty-Nine Days Later**_

Molly Weasley counted her children's heads. "Didn't I used to have one more?" she asked.

Everyone looked around. "Yeah… Wasn't his name Rolf?"

Everyone thought for a moment, then shrugged.

"Oh well."


	8. Hermione's Hair

"Congratulations, Mrs

"Congratulations, Mrs. Granger, it's a…." The doctor stopped talking.

"A what!? TELL ME!" screamed Mrs. Granger, for she could get quite emotional in times of stress.

The doctor examined the baby he was holding. After pondering for a bit, his cheesy smile returned to his face. "It's an 'it'!" he said gleefully. He turned the baby over a few times. "I _think_ this is the top." He handed Mrs. Granger a thing that looked as if it were just a ball of hair.

The nurse came in and cut some of the excess mountain of hair away. Mrs. Granger looked into the brown eyes of her darling, precious, afro-donned, little girl's face. She knew her baby would go far.

"What shall we name our adorable baby girl?" asked Mrs. Granger, a huge smile on her face.

"She certainly does have a lot of hair," said Mr. Granger. He thought for a moment. "I've got it! Let's name her Harriet!"

"What?"

"Harriet! Get it 'hair'!?" he chortled.

"Mr. Granger, I will not have our child named like that. Let's name her Hermione."

"Hermione Granger?"

"Yes."

Mr. Granger sighed. "I liked Harriet better," he muttered.

--

When Hermione was three she was taken from her parents during an outing to the zoo. This was because PETA thought Mr. and Mrs. Granger had stolen an animal and forced it to sit in a stroller.

"She just has a lot of hair, is all," explained Mrs. Granger.

That night, they shaved off all of Hermione's hair.

The next morning, it had all grown back.

--

When Hermione was five, she suffered a concussion because her hair had gotten tangled in the spokes of her tricycle.

This accident transformed Hermione Granger into a baby genius.

In two days, she had memorized all of the encyclopedias.

--

On the train to Hogwarts, a girl mistook Hermione for Sasquatch.

"I beg your pardon!" snapped Hermione hotly. "I have bathed today. I will not be mistaken for some unhygienic woodland creature!"

"My bad," said the girl.

--

By her sixth year, Hermione's hair was still a mess.

That last statement was an understatement.

"I can't find my book," Hermione said, rustling through some papers. She swiveled around quickly. A large novel catapulted out of the bushy mass of hair on Hermione's head. The novel then hit Ron in the face, killing him on contact.

"Oh! There it is! Thanks, Ron!" She went to read by the fire.

--

Harry Potter couldn't find his glasses. He stumbled about blindly, feeling for them. (Not entirely) By accident, Harry's hands found Hermione's boobs. "You're getting warmer," she giggled coyly. Harry's hands found their way to Hermione's hair. He pulled out a gurgling, purple baby squid.

"SHAKISHA!" Draco screamed, he snatched the squid and ran off.

"Here they are!" shouted Harry.

--

Oliver Wood couldn't find his broomstick.

He found it in the broom shed.

Haha, you thought I was going to say that he found his broom in Hermione's hair.

Well, the broom shed was in Hermione's hair.

--

Ron Weasley couldn't find his life.

So, he kept on being dead.

--

Fred and George run a joke shop in Hermione's hair.

--

Hermione Granger gets frequent headaches. Doctors and baffled. No one has a cure.

It's very tragic.


	9. Icequeen Irene

Harry and Ron wanted a girlfriend

Harry and Ron wanted a girlfriend. Not the same girlfriend, of course, but a girlfriend nonetheless. Harry wanted a girl who would do what he said all the time and never talk back. Ron wanted whatever kind of girlfriend Harry wanted, seeing as how Ron was Harry's faithful sidekick.

One day, Harry found Irene. She was in an add found in the Daily Prophet. She had milky white skin, ruby red lips, and a crown of golden hair on the top her head. And she was completely and utterly nude. Her add said that she was "willing to do anything."

Harry liked that.

Irene would soon be his!

He told Ron about her. "She's perfect, Ron, just perfect!"

"YAY!" replied Ron, who had the mental capacity of mashed potatoes.

**Mashed potatoes:** Stop reading story

Harry called Irene and waited for her to come.

And he waited.

And he waited some more.

And waited…

And waited…

Then, he waited some more after that.

"What's taking so long!?" asked Harry irately.

"Come now, Harry," said Hermione, "it has only been three point five minutes."

"So!?" challenged Harry.

"That is not a very long time."

"It's…" He pulled out a calculator. "…two hundred and ten seconds! That's equal to like…FOUR HOURS!"

"WHAT? NO IT IS NOT! OR IS IT!? EVERYTHING I KNEW IS NOW UNKNOWN!?" And with that, Hermione's head exploded.

"Wow! That was gross," said Harry. "I better clean that up before Irene gets here. OH, RON!"

"Yes?" said Ron, immediately there, since he was adequately trained to answer Harry's beck and call.

"Get Crabbe and Goyle to clean up this atrocious mess."

"Okay."

Within thirty seconds Crabbe and Goyle were standing in the center of the room with Harry.

"BRAIIINS!" they said as they ate all of Hermione's cranial mass.

Draco appeared in the common room, breast-feeding his little squid, Shakisha.

"That's pretty gross," said Ron.

"SHUT UP, WEASLEY! SHAKISHA LOVES HER MILKIES!"

"Yeah, Ron," said Harry, who (for no reason) was agreeing with Draco. "Why don't you just go kill yourself?"

Ron jumped out of the window; every bone in his body was jumbled and broken at the base of the castle.

"Wow, you sure do have that Weasley on a tight leash," said Draco, obviously impressed.

"You bet!"

"Googoo," said Shakisha.

The doorbell rang.

"SHE'S HERE!" shouted Harry. He shooed Draco and his posse down the laundry chute.

Harry slicked down his hair and opened the door.

There she was. She was a pure sixty inches of glory. Her golden locks were cascading down her back. Her mouth was as red as roses. Her supple breasts—

"IRENE! YOU ARE NUDE!" shouted Harry. He rushed the girl inside the door. The two of them sat down on the couch by the roaring fire.

"ROAR!" said the fire.

Harry stared at Irene.

Irene stared at Harry.

"ROAR!" said the fire.

(Repeat the last three lines four times)

"I LOVE YOU IRENE!" Harry shouted, shamelessly throwing himself at the girl.

Irene continued to stare unfalteringly.

"WHY DON'T YOU RECIPROCATE MY ADORATION?"

Irene stared at Harry with a look of surprise on her face.

"Why are you such an icequeen, Irene? Why don't you love me as much as I love you!?"

"Hiya, Harry," said Dumbledore, walking into the room, randomly. "How's it going?"

"Awful. My date is a total icequeen," replied Harry, motioning at Irene.

"Oh, a blow-up doll, eh? I have the same one in the male version! Seductive Stan his name is!"


	10. Jekyll Jar

"You know you're charged with murder, correct

"You know you're charged with murder, correct?" the Ministry official asked.

"I never meant to hurt anyone," replied the boy. He was quite thin. Most likely it was from worry.

"Then why did you? Were you a bully in school?" asked the man.

"Really, I'm a generally docile human being. I get a bit hot-headed once and a while, but really, I'm not a mean or bad person," said the boy. "It was the jar."

"The jar?" asked the Ministry official, clearly thinking the boy had lost his marbles.

"Yes, the jar," sighed the boy. "I know it sounds stupid."

"You're quite right. It sounds absurd. You're saying that 'the jar' made you kill five people."

"Yes, the jar made me kill those people."

"Weren't those people you murdered your friends?"

"Yes, those people were my friends. I didn't mean to hurt them!" replied the boy vehemently. He began to sob pitifully.

"Would you like a tissue?" asked the man, offering the inconsolable boy one.

"Yes, I would like a tissue. As you can plainly see I'm crying over here, you stupid idiot," snapped the boy, snatching a tissue from the man.

"Who are you calling an idiot? You're a murderer!"

"Thanks, you're mother's one of those too! Get off my back, you bugger!"

"Hey, my mother is a saint, unlike your mother!"

"That was a great comeback!" the boy countered sarcastically. "Where did you learn that…the History Channel?"

"Whatever," sighed the man. "Can you just tell the story?"

"Fine, I'll tell you the story," replied the boy. "It goes like this…."

--

"I was sitting in the common room one day, minding my own business. I was playing chess. Or maybe it was Parcheesi…or chess.

"I really like chess you know. It exercises the mind and brainwaves and such. It is quite stimulating to the cognitive functions."

"Did you come up with that statement on your own?" asked the interviewer incredulously.

"No, I didn't come up with the sentence on my own. Hermione—" the boy took a shaky intake of breathe.

"You loved her, didn't you?" asked the man. It was the first time he had shown any sympathy towards the boy.

"Yes, I loved her."

"Why did you kill her then?" The emotion was gone.

"I did not mean to kill her! It just happened! IT WAS THE JAR!"

"Can we just get back to the story?" asked the man. One could tell he was getting tired and annoyed. He didn't want to spend his time interviewing a murderer whom everyone knew was guilty.

"The story? Oh yes, allow me to continue…

"I was playing chess, minding my own business in the common room. Suddenly, Draco Malfoy sprung—"

"Who?"

"Draco Malfoy. D-R-A-C-O M-A-L-F-O-Y."

The man took down the name in his notepad. "Continue."

"Draco Malfoy sprung out from behind the couch and placed a jar on the table. And then he walked out."

"And that's when you decided to kill him?" inquired the interviewer.

"No. That was much later.

"I stared at the jar for sometime until I finally opened it. That's when it told me to kill Harry Potter."

"So you did?"

"NO!" screamed the boy. "Are you going to let me tell this story or not?"

"Sure, sure."

"So for days it ate away at me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't work, I couldn't eat. Well, okay, I could eat, but that's besides the point. What the point is is that it ate away at me for so long, that I finally did it. I killed Harry Potter."

"How did you kill him?"

"I threw him out the window."

"Ouch."

"Yeah…

"The next person the jar told me to kill was Pansy Parkinson."

"No one cares about her," laughed the interviewer.

"I know, right?

Well anyway… After that I killed Hermione Granger."

"Did the jar tell you to?"

"Yes," the boy managed to choke out. "She was the love of my life. I didn't want to kill her…. But I…I…I chopped her up with a machete! It was like I was a different person! Sort of like Jekyll and Hyde!"

"It was a Jekyll Jar?"

"Yes! I loved Hermione! I didn't want her to die!"

"Okay, okay, whatever. No one here wants to hear a crappy love story."

"The next person to go was Dumbledore. He was easy to kill. I just made sure he hung himself with his beard. Did you know that thing is over seventy-two feet long?"

"Wow, that's a long beard."

"Yeah it is! But, the next person to go was Draco Malfoy himself."

"The boy who brought you the jar?"

"Yes, he was a minion of Voldemort anyway."

"Ah, then how did you kill him?"

"Oh, I just stole his hair gel."

"Ouch," said the interviewer, whom the boy noticed had perfectly styled hair. Hair just like…

"DRACO MALFOY!" shrieked the boy, sounding very much like a girl.

"Yes, It is I!" screamed Draco, ripping off his sunglasses, which had kept his identity secret the entire time. "Now, Ron Weasley, prepare to meet your maker!"

"Oh! Are Mum and Dad here?"

"No! That means I'm going to kill you!"

"Oh shit."

Draco Malfoy then killed Ron Weasley by putting a hand grenade in the boy's mouth.

Draco Malfoy didn't die, of course, since he was wearing an explosion-proof body suit.


End file.
